|Sometimes going to see some turtles is all it takes |
to get your mind back on track.
I just took a long walk - well, as long as one can go carting a very large oxygen tank in 80-some degree weather not too long before dusk - and cleared my head. I didn't want to overwhelm you all with reading material today but I wanted to get down some important things that I realized.
I can think of no other way to describe the bad place my head was in yesterday other than that I was so very tightly wound up that, try as I might, I just could not unwind my brain.
The first thing I realized is that my main goal right now should be peace and tranquility. End of story. Other stuff is secondary to that. Whatever happens after transplant, I will deal with it then. I do not need to think any more about transplant "what ifs" - I have thought it all to exhaustion. If I have a scary thought, I am redirecting it right to a happy one, like laying on the beach with my friends or hiking with Todd out West. Peace and tranquility, peace and tranquility, peace and tranquility...
The second thing I realized has two parts: One thing is that I need to take a step back - both from my iPhone and my transplant message board. I have become too involved - admittedly, almost obsessed - with what is happening when with so-and-so. I love these people and I genuinely care about their well-being and want to know what's going on with them, but for my mental health right now I need to be engaging more on the scale of a couple - not a couple hundred - times per day.
The second thing, tied into but also somewhat separate from the above, is that I have become way too attached to my iPhone. It was an easy habit to get into because since being listed I have been tethered to my phone like never before. But all that has to mean is that the phone is within earshot - not line of sight. Again, I love my friends and I love the people with whom I text - please don't take this as a sign to stop! I loved all the messages yesterday. It's just that in day-to-day life I'm going to try to chill out with it a little bit (much to Todd's appreciation I'm sure!)
The last thing I realized as I walked along the small section of the Greenway soaking in all the urban nature my little brain could handle, was that life is fucking beautiful. And how awesome and amazing it is that we (humans) are a part of it! It's easy to lose sight of and forget if you let yourself.
So that's it. My brain has been reset. I'm kind of impressed with myself that I was able to do it so quickly - amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it and you're not awaiting news of a possible life-changing surgery! But then again, everything important is quickly expedited around here these days.
Thank you, as always, for joining me on this journey, and for seeing me through all of the ups and downs. I'm ready for the phone to ring! And I continue to be so very grateful for each passing day that I remain relatively well and stable while I wait.