I always told myself I would be uncertain about whether or not I would get a transplant until the time came for me to need one. Now here I am, hanging out in transplant land, and I am having a hard time accepting the reality.
I feel like I can still do a lot, like I have a good quality of life. I go out, I see friends, heck, I went to the beach for a week last week! I can take deep breaths in and out (sort of.) I can take walks around the neighborhood. All of these things make me feel normal-ish and happy.
From what I've gathered both this week and elsewhere, the consensus seems to be that I am either in or very close to my transplant window. I will know more about that on Tuesday when Duke conferences about me and lets me know my status with them.
Will I ever feel ready? If Duke was ready to list me on Tuesday (which is not going to happen just yet, I know that much), would I be okay with that? Frankly, it scares the hell out of me. How do people do this??
On one hand I know I can do it. But on the other hand it still feels like something that belongs in the future.
What a difference a year makesWhen I think back to how my health was a year ago - even six months ago, the differences are shocking. I was working, we could go up to the mountains, I didn't have this insane amount of coughing to deal with, I had the energy to go out for more than just short bursts.
But I have realized the flaw in my thinking: as much of a rock star as I may think I am dealing with all of this, I really would not be able to get by right now without an incredible amount of help from Todd, friends and family who have stepped up (thank you!!!) Yes I have a good quality of life, but no I do not go grocery shopping or cook much or run errands anymore. My life has become much more limited than it used to be.
So this is what I have been thinking about this week and working on - acceptance. It's a hard thing to come to terms with, and I hope I'll be able to do so without suffering a big health decline that leaves me desperate.
Header photo from tariqmcom.com