ReflectionI drove to Durham for the first time by myself in my new car today - it was just to have a nose catheter thing for my 24-hour esophageal pH study pulled. As I was driving home, it was my first real chance to think alone after everything that's happened this week.
I started to get a little emotional. I felt overwhelmed by the amount of love and support I have gotten as I've started this journey. People have reached out to me and offered to help, some I didn't even think were that close of friends. My close friends have been amazing - incredibly understanding and supportive. And, importantly, they allow me to keep some semblance of normal in what I jokingly refer to as my convalescent stage. My family has continued to be some of my biggest cheer leaders. And Todd has - as always - been my rock, my lovable Buddha, my most trusted confidant.
As hard as it was to start asking for help, people have been so happy to do it! They run errands for me, bring me delicious home cooked food, come clean my house. Later on in this process they will be carting me back and forth to Durham.
Seriously, How Jealous Are You of My Life??A natural filtering process has removed all but the very best, most awesome, supportive, loving, kind, considerate, authentic people in my life. How lucky am I? If only I could have this AND my health life would truly be unbeatably amazing! But of course it is because of my health that I have gotten this clarity.
Similarly, all of my worries, concerns, things I tried to control that I couldn't, and to some extent my fears about the future have dissolved away. I will not let one single ounce of negative use up my valuable health and energy. I feel free.
Of course, as a part of this process there are people and things that could not come along. And for some of this, I am still sifting through sadness. I am grieving disappointment. I am feeling the loss of all things left behind.
But other than that, my gosh, I've accomplished this huge thing! Going from being unsure about transplant, scared, my health on a downward trend to being here and now, and dealing with everything (at least trying my best!) including transplant one day at a time. Coincidence or not, my health also seems to have hit a plateau for the time being.
So if you're one of the amazing people mentioned above - thank you! And if by chance you are someone in one of the other categories, well, I hope you understand that I have to do what's best for me right now. Preparing for death and one's (hopefully) impending rebirth makes one have to be a little selfish.
I want to end this blog on a positive note: I am so so happy right now!! And really, now that I have my brand new Jetta, there's nothing else in the world I can think to ask for. :)