A Rapid Change of Heart

Sun, samhainmoon.blogspot.com

First of all I want to apologize (sort of) for what I see as the negativity/harsh reality of my last blog. I'm not apologizing for what I wrote, or how I was feeling exactly. What I was going through at the time was the very tip of the pendulum swing before it came back the other direction. And while that is important information for me to process, I know that it must be hard to read that. So sorry for the rawness of it I guess.

A very cool thing happened after I wrote my last blog on Friday. As soon as I got out all of my angst and reservations (sorry for the cheesy metaphor coming) the clouds began to lift and the sun peaked out - it's now shining bright.

Lung pillow, iheartguts.com

Here is what I now know:

• Transplant is seen by many cystics simply as "the next step" after your lungs start to fail. But just because transplant isn't second nature for some of us does not mean that it cannot still be the next step for us.
  
• A lot of people don't get a second chance, and I might be lucky enough to be someone who does. (Just because I go to get evaluated doesn't mean I will be accepted, although I think the odds are good.)
  
• I have gotten to a place where I can honestly assess the toll that CF is taking on me and I'm a little freaked out about how quickly things seem to be progressing - IVs after only a month?? A month during which I did very nearly everything perfectly and didn't even catch a virus???
  
• I would rather go to Duke early and have them turn me away for being too healthy than to for some reason quickly decline and be too late to get evaluated and listed. (I am still too healthy, as far as I know.)
  
• I can do this! I am starting to believe that I could do well with transplant, and to picture - and be a little excited about - what that life could look like.
  
• Not to overlook material "needs": I have decided that I need an iPad to go through all of this - doctors, hospitals, waiting around...entertainment! I am seeking donations and/or super family or friend discounts!

Heart, illustrationsOf.com

And here is the other part which again (sorry) is kind of hard to say to you all. It absolutely breaks my heart to think of Todd, the kitties and our dogs existing without me...of my parents having to go through losing a child...of all my family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, heck, all of planet Earth going on without the one and only Laura Pancoast Smith.

BUT - I can't base my decision on any of that, it wouldn't be right, and so I have challenged myself to look deeper, past (what I see as) those "easy answers" for getting transplanted. It's like with my job: It doesn't matter how much I love it, I have had to decide what's best for me by setting aside that love and looking to what is best for me. Which is really hard to do - in both cases - when you are surrounded by so many amazing people (and animals.)  :)

That's all for today...  Thank you for reading.