I've been busy.
I am always busy, but particularly with the soap event we have coming up in a week, there has been more to do than I ever imagined. Not that I am doing it alone. But it has taken more time and mental energy than I thought.
I want to tell you about something strange that happened. First of all, my energy still is not my normal since my cold four weeks ago. It has been hovering around 90% for the last two weeks. It's enough that I'm working my normal hours, but not enough that I've been able to exercise like I would like to. (Sadly, that is the thing that gets dropped after work, errands on the way home (which sometimes seem endless), napping, and doing therapy...by then it is dinner time.)
Starting the week before last, I have found myself extremely tired after work. Like, I'm fine until I leave the office, but starting at that moment, all I can think about is taking a nap. And the 35-minute drive has seemed tedious for the first time since I started my job. It was one such day that I was driving down the highway and felt an incredibly strange sensation wash over me - it started as I-don't-know-what and ended as a panicked type of feeling. I pulled over, checked my blood sugar (which was a bit low but not enough to cause crazy symptoms), regrouped and then continued on. But what was it?
Since then, I have been getting feelings of panic from time to time throughout the day - especially when I am driving. It never escalates into a panic attack, more an underlying sense of unease or nervousness about my well being. I have noticed that it happens more often when I am tired. Afterward, I decided that I was doing too much, and that I needed to reprioritize: not work over my 5 hours per day; make sure I was getting enough rest at night and napping after work if needed; and really trying to exercise, if I had the energy.
Basically, it's how I get when it's time for IV antibiotics, only my lungs are doing great right now. I'm ready for the world to stop, or at least slow down, while I take a rest and then rejoin when I'm feeling up to it again.
My week of reprioritizing had mixed results. And let me tell you, it has been really hard to slow down. Almost like I am addicted to stress or busy-ness - how un-yogic is that! Anyway, I did manage to get more rest (napped every day after work - very unlike a healthy me) and worked less, but my anxiety has continued, and my sleeping seems (while I don't allow it) to be somewhat insatiable.
So what's going on? Yes, life is busier than usual and I have personal and family health issues I've been dealing with. But I feel like with my dad having been sick, and the pending decision about gallbladder surgery, my body is just now catching up to the emotions I've been going through for the last month...and it's not handling it well. I've also found myself feeling depressed.
I wonder if it's time to talk to a councilor - or even begin a spurt on an antidepressant (while I dislike the idea in general, I also used it before to get through a tough time in my life.) And I also wonder, if something has to give, what is it?
I know one thing for sure: I can't go on like this. And if I do end up going through gallbladder surgery, I want to have all of this unusual emotional stuff as sorted out as possible.
My goal for next week is basically the same - I'll let you know how it goes.