Hello, my friends!
I took a few years off from blogging...
At the 2018 Transplant Games of America, I had a revelation. I realized how far I had come since my surgery, and I tapped into a deep desire for change and growth. And, for the first time since my lung transplant in 2014, I felt healthy enough, and brave enough, to explore what exactly this meant. Unfortunately, it ended up being the beginning of the most emotionally difficult months of my life.
So, I did what many people would do: I found a really great therapist! My therapist helped me to slow down and really evaluate why these feelings were happening, and at the same time to help me realize that for me to come as far as I have after transplant was truly a triumph! And that, if I did not take care of my own feelings, there was no one else who was going to do it for me.
I spent the latter months of 2018 in a state of agony. My self-exploration had led me to see that my husband and I's "perfect" relationship wasn't as perfect as I had thought. While I loved many, many things about him, his family, and our lives together, I began to see that while we had succeeded with love, shared interests, plentitude, and comfort, our communication was broken and we lacked true intimacy between us - the kind where hearts are bonded without layers of skin between them.
After navigating a plethora of health situations in the four years since transplant, I desired for the part of my life that I did have control over to be different. I wondered what that could look like. If I was able to work, and somehow secure health insurance on my own, I thought, I could practically be independent. The idea was absolutely thrilling! And, simultaneously, terrifying. I had never thought that would be possible, and I wondered what it would be like.
But, to "abandon" someone I loved so much... to hurt someone on whom I had relied so heavily for so many years, and through so many incredibly difficult situations. Not to mention all the other wonderful things that go along with separating from someone. Well, it was the worst. I felt terrible. What kind of person would do that?? The answer was, the kind of person who had been and always will be incredibly, unspeakably grateful for the love, support, and for him even signing up for the journey that we had endured together. And someone who knew that, options exhausted, my obligation was ultimately to myself and my own happiness. Just as he couldn't have supported me through transplant unless he truly wanted to, I couldn't have stayed in the relationship unless I had really wanted to. That is the shitty reality.
So, at the end of 2018, I moved into my mom's place - she was staying in a long-term rehab at the time and her cat was there alone anyway. In January of 2019, I got a part-time job and began working in Durham at Triangle Land Conservancy, where I still work and love love love it! I started dating, including a CF/lung transplant guy in NYC...but it was too soon and ended up a mess. In the summer of 2019, my mom miraculously came home, and I moved to an apartment in Durham. In Dec of 2019, I started dating my current boyfriend, a wonderful man named Mohammad. And, in Dec of 2020, I was able to purchase my first home, a tiny townhome here in Durham, (mostly) all on my own!! It was so amazing, I absolutely never dreamed I would be able to have my own name by itself on a lease.
And here I am! I picked up a problem cat and an anxious small dog along the way, and life is truly good. I am happy.
Except... I am looking for a living kidney donor because my kidney function is failing. That was the impetus for restarting this blog, because it is absolutely awful telling people about this, asking them to test for me, and I'm hoping this will help more people stay in touch while making the communication process a little easier on me.
Thanks for reading - please subscribe to the right if you would like to receive emails when I post. I promise you I won't be flooding anybody's email boxes.
l
pictured: Serena and Mr Kitty looking out the front window
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