These Are the Days

These are the days of waiting for transplant - although, technically, it's only been one day. How do I feel? Nervous, anxious, excited, scared, scattered, all of those things. And sometimes calm. When I have a quiet moment, I try to close my eyes and meditate...to prepare my mind and body for what lies ahead, that my body will accept the new lungs and my mind will weather the difficulties I encounter.

It's weird. My life isn't anything like what I used to picture it as being when I would need a transplant. I had images in my mind of coughing so hard you can't catch your breath, of being too tired to get out of bed, of not really being interested in food or much of what else was going on around me - self-consumed and miserable.

I'm none of those things entirely, although I am some of all of them. Today I went grocery shopping, came home and did laundry and did some more things around the house (there is a never-ending list of "one last thing to do to be ready for transplant!") And I'm still hanging out with friends, going to Starbucks for iced coffee and doing other things that I love.

This.Is.Insane. I am waiting for a call that will change my life forever. I am trusting these people entirely with my life. And I am okay with that. What's more, I think I am close to finally getting to the place I always wondered how I would get to - to the place of being at peace with whatever happens.

It's all a process though. As soon as I say and feel that, the next minute will bring a rush of nerves and adrenalin. I can only hope that the scale will slowly keep tilting toward calm.