This post is about love. The love of yourself despite endless temptation otherwise.
I've always struggled with self love in the sense of taking care of myself, with prioritizing my own needs and well-being. Being diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago shed a lot of light on this recurring, doomed-to-be-repeated theme in my life. It explained my tendency to spring into action to take care of the latest mini-crisis at the expense of myself whether with work, life, or family.
"A recent study also found that the ADHD brain tends to produce more Theta waves than average brains. Theta waves indicate a state of deep relaxation ... [an] over-abundance of theta waves can them great in a crisis." - ADD.org
When there's a crisis to address, I am calm, focused, and on point, whereas, during regular times, my brain can be a distractable force in need of taming. It doesn't help that the ADHD brain is constantly on the lookout for excitement, often to the detriment of ones own self-interest. (Things like eating well, sleeping the proper amount, being mindful and keeping stress at bay.)
With chronic disease, self-care is even more important. However, so many other daily healthcare responsibilities - taking pills, doing insulin, monitoring this and that (which I refer to as the 'blah blah blahs' of life) - add an additional layer of challenge: it's as if the brain's daily care dance card is so filled up with the 'essential' care duties that it doesn't have room for the less-sexy-but-equally-as-important other kinds of care. Plus, those other things get kinda boring!
All this adds up to a massive headwind. Perhaps this is why self-care (and the opposite, overdoing it) is the life lesson I have been doomed to repeat over and again.
The Doctor Stuff
Kidney biopsy: I am still waiting on the official results from my kidney biopsy the week before last. I did receive preliminary results that showed no acute rejection and an indication that cyclosporine (my #1 anti-rejection medication) may not be properly processing in the kidney, leading to a build-up or toxicity. This could be an explanation for my creeping creatinine. Stay tuned.
Is this bad news? Is it good news? I don't know. For now, it just "is."
Hematology appointment: I had my first appointment with a hematologist this week. I was referred to this doctor because of my low hemoglobin. I can now add another exquisite doctor to my list of Duke physicians. This guy really impressed me. Our appointment was over an hour long. He was very thorough, asking me about my body, head to toe; he also performed a full physical exam. I was sure to tell him of my mom's hematological issues, that I won't get into now, and which may or may not be relevant to my current situation.
The next step was to get a new set of hematology-focused labs. We talked through most of the things that the labs would test. Man, this guy really loves blood! He was very excited at the prospect of getting a sample of my blood under the microscope to look at, in addition to the information gained from the lab draws. Meanwhile, my hemoglobin has slowly been trending up! And, symptomatically, I've been feeling better the last two weeks. Things we are checking include:
- Thyroid
- Vitamin B12
- Other antibodies, acids, and hormones
We are hoping that these will provide some answers. Possible outcomes include additional lab testing, recommendations for some changes with my medications, and the vastly less popular bone biopsy. I should hear from him next week after all the labs have processed. In the meantime, I'm trying to avoid dipping into lab results piecemeal and asking Doctor Google.
One last note: An idea was floated early on in this process that my low hemoglobin and rising creatinine could be related. The hematologist does not suspect that is the case. That bit of information makes an already intimidating situation seem a lot more messy.
